No doesn’t mean yes!

When I was 8 years old I was betrayed by a man who I thought was trustworthy. I have stated before that my father was not the best and as a little girl there is just nothing like your daddy. My father was and is a sick man. Growing up I found myself seeking father figures to replace my father. There was a neighbor of ours who had children of his own and my sisters and I quickly became great friends with them. This man was very kind and loving. He often made us dinners and allowed us to stay at his house to escape the hell that was my father. However it did not stay as loving as it had started. He ended up molesting me and my sister. I’m not ashamed of this because I was an innocent child. There were times he would sit me on his lap and begin to rub my back but would quickly make it dirty by caressing my under breast. He often “tickled” just to touch my body. He had me jump on the bed with his sons and flash my young body to him. These were not innocent actions. It wasn’t a father showing affection to his children. This was a sick individual who took advantage of my home situation. He made me feel safe and loved and than ripped that from me. A child doesn’t have the knowledge that whats happening is wrong. No doesn’t mean yes and silence doesn’t mean yes. Only yes means yes. No I wasn’t raped and I do believe it could have been worse but that man robbed me of so many things. I feel lucky in the fact that my mind has shut out a lot of what happened. The brain has a way of saving us sometimes. I remember enough. As a child of abuse I became sexual at a young age. I used sexual things as a way to show affection. I used sexual acts in hope that boys would like me. I thought that’s what it meant. I was taught by this man that doing inappropriate things was how you showed someone you cared. I’m very lucky to have been later shown that love is gentle. It’s kind. Love and respect feels good not shameful. I’m proud to be a mother who will be able to teach her daughter self love and self confidence because I truly know what that means now. If you or someone you know has been a child of sexual abuse or has a child who has been sexually abused, get help! The pain is a burden that I do not wish on anyone and talking to a therapist can relieve some of that. My writing is my therapy. Thank you to everyone who reads what I have to say. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for the support. I am who I am today because of all the things I have been threw. I’m strong because I know what it is to be weak.