HO HO HO

Did you get what you wanted for Christmas this year? The new IPad you have wanted for the last year? The computer you asked santa for? New clothes from grandma? Socks from your weird uncle who always has strange knickknacks in his pocket? I didn’t get any of that this year. Before you start feel sorry for me, let me first say that I got exactly what I needed this year. I got my kids joy. Santa wrapped up their smiles and giggles and stuck them right under the tree for me. As a mother there is just no greater gift than to see my babies happy! At what age do you stop caring about the material aspect of Christmas? I am 28 years old and every year I get excited over my children’s excitement and the wait for all the delicious food my family makes! Don’t get me wrong, of course it’s always nice to get something you want or need. However isn’t it so much more enjoyable to give to others? Isn’t it such a joy to experience family? The pure love and support you feel when your loved ones are surrounding you, embracing you with out judgment. I got what I believe everyone should receive. Joy. Love. Acceptance. How beautiful is that! Thank you Santa for giving me not really what I wanted but what I needed.

letting go is hard to do

I am human. I know I know you are shocked by that lol. We are all flawed and I am no exception to the rule. There has always been something I’ve never been good at… Loss! This issue of course stems from childhood trauma that I have not yet worked through. I have an irrational fear of losing people I care about, whether it’s from death or ending a relationship or friendship. Now because of this fear I tend to hold onto people who are not good for me because I don’t want to lose them. I try to fix relationships that are already broken. Ones that can not and will not be mended. This causes so much pain it’s almost unbearable! Letting go is not something I am good at and I envy those who can do it with their heads held high. Not only do I try to keep people in my life that I shouldn’t, I also am afraid of people I love passing away. Of course I know that no one wants their loved ones to leave this earth and continue their journey in another place, however most people don’t have vivid daymares about their children burning to death, and yes I actually experience this… almost nightly. This doesn’t mean that I can avoid these things. Yes I have lost people to death and yes I have lost friendships to differences but I don’t handle it well at all. Why do I allow someone to have that much power to affect me? Maybe it’s because I give so much of myself to people that when they are gone I feel like that’s another piece of me I’ll never get back. Maybe I feel as if they stole something that belongs to me. Something that they should never have had in the first place. At some point I only have myself to blame right? Although I can honestly say it’s better than never letting anyone in. Sure I have a hard time letting go but at least I still let people in. I would never have the great friends I do now if I let my fear control me. I guess that’s the lesson here isn’t it? Don’t let whatever you fear control you! Don’t let something that scares you, stop you from having a normal life. I’m always working on myself and trying to be a better person not only for myself but my children so that they know what a good person looks like and how they should behave as good people. I’ll say it here so that I can be held accountable. I promise myself that from now on I work on letting go. I work on letting bad relationships go when need be and knowing when enough is enough. Working on yourself is never easy. There will be lessons learned and tears shed. There will be times of hardship but also times of growth and laughter. If you are reading this and can relate, maybe not to this but something that troubles you, my hope for you is that you stay strong. You fight as hard as you need to fight so that you can be the person you want to be. YOU are worth it! Don’t you dare ever let anyone ( including yourself ) make you feel any less than what you are!

No doesn’t mean yes!

When I was 8 years old I was betrayed by a man who I thought was trustworthy. I have stated before that my father was not the best and as a little girl there is just nothing like your daddy. My father was and is a sick man. Growing up I found myself seeking father figures to replace my father. There was a neighbor of ours who had children of his own and my sisters and I quickly became great friends with them. This man was very kind and loving. He often made us dinners and allowed us to stay at his house to escape the hell that was my father. However it did not stay as loving as it had started. He ended up molesting me and my sister. I’m not ashamed of this because I was an innocent child. There were times he would sit me on his lap and begin to rub my back but would quickly make it dirty by caressing my under breast. He often “tickled” just to touch my body. He had me jump on the bed with his sons and flash my young body to him. These were not innocent actions. It wasn’t a father showing affection to his children. This was a sick individual who took advantage of my home situation. He made me feel safe and loved and than ripped that from me. A child doesn’t have the knowledge that whats happening is wrong. No doesn’t mean yes and silence doesn’t mean yes. Only yes means yes. No I wasn’t raped and I do believe it could have been worse but that man robbed me of so many things. I feel lucky in the fact that my mind has shut out a lot of what happened. The brain has a way of saving us sometimes. I remember enough. As a child of abuse I became sexual at a young age. I used sexual things as a way to show affection. I used sexual acts in hope that boys would like me. I thought that’s what it meant. I was taught by this man that doing inappropriate things was how you showed someone you cared. I’m very lucky to have been later shown that love is gentle. It’s kind. Love and respect feels good not shameful. I’m proud to be a mother who will be able to teach her daughter self love and self confidence because I truly know what that means now. If you or someone you know has been a child of sexual abuse or has a child who has been sexually abused, get help! The pain is a burden that I do not wish on anyone and talking to a therapist can relieve some of that. My writing is my therapy. Thank you to everyone who reads what I have to say. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for the support. I am who I am today because of all the things I have been threw. I’m strong because I know what it is to be weak.

I feel nothing ( poetry )

Just a disclaimer. There is no need to fear for me. This is no longer who I am. Just how I feel about my childhood. Please do not worry! Poetry is a great therapy. 😊 ( this might be a work in progress. I haven’t decided)

I feel nothing because I am nothing.
Go ahead and cut me.
I will bleed for I am alive, but I shall feel no pain.
I will not fear that last ruby drop.
I welcome the dark and the silence it brings.
I feel nothing.

I’m only human!

The past 3 days I have been in pain. I have an infected lymph node and i must take antibiotics for the next 5 days. The last few months have been hell financially, and i am stressed beyond belief. I am job hunting for jobs i don’t even want. I barely sleep. I have PTSD that I don’t talk about with most people. I have anxiety that I always have to fight. My health is not good. I rarely see my family, and feel like I have no support system. I’m a mother of 2 young children so my life revolves around them. I’m a cook, maid, child care provider, nurse, school teacher, and wife. I have almost NO time for myself and most of my efforts are in taking care of others. Why on earth am I telling you this? To make you feel sorry for me? To be pitied? To get sympathy? NO! I am only HUMAN! I have been told that I’m too positive at times. That i can come off as fake or as if I’m better than others. I’ve been told I should try writing about other things. I have bad days like everyone else. I simply chose to be positive. Tell me what good does it do, to wake up and feel sorry for yourself? Tell me what good it does to hate life? What good does it do for you to wake up and be negative about things you can not control? NOTHING! It only makes you feel worse. I’m not saying your problems aren’t real because they are! I’m not saying its easy. I’m not telling you to suck it up. I’m simply saying give yourself a day to cry, complain, feel sorry for yourself and be angry. However after that day, wake up and put all the energy you put into being negative into being positive instead! My life is in no way perfect. Not even a little actually, but I’m alive!  I’m not better than you or anyone. I simply make a different choice. I’ll chose being positive and hopeful over being miserable any day! I always say that positive things don’t happen to negative people. I’m just like you. I have problems. I have bad days. I cry, I scream and I get angry. I give myself an appropriate amount of time to feel bad and than I pick myself up and keep trying. It isn’t always gonna work and you aren’t weak when it doesn’t. It’s going to get better. It does get better! I hope to help people. I hope my positive out look can rub off on even just one person. I apologize if it comes off as anything but good vibes! 

Sleepless in my bedroom

2 am. I close my eyes and allow myself to hear and feel life around me. The constant white noise emanating from the box fan. The cold breeze rushing in from the night air that skims over my warm body. The strange little bumps that form from that wonderful cold breeze. My stomach talks to me like we are old friends. Explaining to me the hunger it’s experiencing. The pungent cigarette odor finding its way into my room from the smokers outside. My stomach churns from the smell and I’m no longer hungry. My children are asleep in the next room. I can hear the blankets rustling as they toss and turn, hopefully from dreams of rainbows and unicorns and not nightmares of demons and evil. There are two neighbor dogs who fight over who is more dominant. I find myself rooting for the under dog ( no pun intended). I open my eyes and I can see a small bug has found its way in through the window. He has found the warmth of the hall light and I can’t help but watch as he circles over and over again. I close my eyes again and pray that sleep takes me. I focus on my husbands breathing as he sleeps. It’s long and slow. It calms me. I lay my head on his chest for comfort and lose myself in chest hair! Finally I can hear our hearts struggling to beat as one. I focus on the rhythm. It’s beautiful. A love song just for me. I’m drifting. It’s time. Until tomorrow insomnia. My old friend.

Flirting = Cheating?!

I don’t fully believe this to be true. Do I believe that some can cross a line they shouldn’t? absolutely! I suppose this is one of those things where everyone is going to feel a certain way about it. I hear this on a daily basis how flirting while in a relationship is wrong. That its cheating. Well to me flirting is a way to make another human being feel good about themselves. Whats wrong with that? I am happily married and will admit proudly that I flirt. Why proudly you might ask? Well maybe its because I love seeing a smile on someone face. I love knowing i have made someone’s day! Everyone needs to hear good things about themselves. Everyone has a day where they feel ugly, or unwanted. Everyone has a bad day even the most positive of us. So I ENCOURAGE you to flirt a little. Give someone a compliment. Give someone a little wink and smile and I guarantee you will make their day a little better! Now having said that, I am in no way encouraging people to cheat on their significant other or to push limits and cross lines you should not. I do not agree with disrespecting your partner. Make sure you are always respectful to yourself, your partner and the people around you. I am not advocating something dirty or something immoral. I am simply saying go ahead and make someones day. Don’t be afraid to compliment someone. Give hugs. Give smiles. Little “flirty” gestures can go a long way to making someone else’s day. I am a firm believer in spreading love. I would group hug each and everyone one of you if i could! By the way you all look great today 😉 

Quote of the day!

When I was in 8th grade I had a teacher tell me “life is what you make it”. Of course I looked at him and smiled while in my head thinking “whatever dude my life sucks”. Although I didn’t understand at the time, it stuck with me and now I know exactly what he meant! You’re going to have hard times. There will be times you want to give up. Times when you think the world is against you but remember “life is what you make it”.

Marriage = Death?

I can NOT even begin to tell you how many times I hear “but aren’t you married?” I always give the same response. I’m married, not DEAD! Some people still won’t understand what I mean because a lot of marriages feel like death to some. At least they feel a part of their past selves die. This is not the case for me. I am happily married. When I say happy I mean we are happy. I don’t say it to rub it in single woman’s faces or to “pretend” it’s something it isn’t. I will be the first one to tell you that my relationship with my husband was not always easy. In fact it was very difficult for many many years. We have been together for almost 15 years now but only married for 2 of those years. Why did we wait so long? As I stated before things weren’t always great. I wasn’t in a rush to marry Into a relationship that was rocky. I took some time away from the relationship after some unfortunate events and it was the greatest thing I ever did. You know the saying ” you don’t know what you have until it’s gone?” I believe that was the case for us. With a full heart of joy I can now say that we are in a great place. The key is to be in a stable relationship with someone you really know and trust BEFORE you walk down the isle. Marriage doesn’t mean you settle. It doesn’t mean you give up who you are or the things you like. It simply means you have someone else’s feelings to consider when you do the things you like. Consult your partner before doing things so he or she feels they had a part in making the decision. If you are with someone who truly loves you they would never want you to lose who you are as a person. The things you love. Your hobbies. Your friends. These things make us who we are and a true partner in life will help you grow and achieve things, not try to change you or hold you back. So when I go out for drinks or meet new friends or do videos for my social media sites and people ask me “but aren’t you married?” “Does your husband know you do that?” My response is always the same “I’m married not dead, and my husband allows me to be free as long as I’m respectful of our vows”. THAT Is marriage. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for doing things in life that make you happy! You may wear a ring and have a paper that ties you to someone else but it should never mean you lose who you are! Being married means having someone to share yourself with, not compromising what makes you who they fell in love with in the first place!

Is gay ok?

Who are we to say what is and isn’t ok?! We get to decide what is and isn’t ok in our own lives, and we are entitled to think what we want. We are allowed to feel what we feel but when it becomes hurtful to others it crosses a line. I have been hearing a lot of negative things lately about the LGBT community lately and it’s been weighing heavy on my heart. I myself am a proud bisexual woman who happens to have a gay brother who is also extremely proud. This fact however does not sway my opinions at all. I have always felt the same. Even before I knew my own brother was gay I felt that people had a choice to love who they love. I’m told that god doesn’t like gays. That being gay is wrong. That gay people are going to hell. I don’t believe any of this crap. First of all I refuse to believe that god is such a narcissist that he sits up in heaven and sends all to hell who don’t believe in him or doesn’t follow the bible word for word. Nor do I believe in a god who could “hate”. I know I know, religion is a “no no” subject and normally I make it a rule not to speak of it due to people’s sensitivity on the subject, but I’m done being quiet about this. Everyone sins. You can’t pick and choose what sin is worse than the next. Sin is sin! If you are engaging in sex before marriage but condemning gays to hell than I suggest you ask them to save you a seat. You don’t get to pick what is and isn’t right depending on the sins you yourself are making. Go ahead and make your silent judgements but let’s keep them silent. You aren’t going to change anyone by hurting them. I believe that if you’re a good person and make good choices, like helping others but ask for forgiveness when we make mistakes that we will have the honor of making it to heaven. I’m pretty sure no one is waiting at the pearly gates to say “what sex have you decided to love? Men or woman?!” Just be a good person. Be nice to others. I believe those are the people who end up somewhere great when this journey comes to an end. If there is one thing I believe in with every ounce of my being, it’s that there should be no hate for anyone who just wants to be themselves. Let’s embrace what’s different about people. Let’s love.