HO HO HO

Did you get what you wanted for Christmas this year? The new IPad you have wanted for the last year? The computer you asked santa for? New clothes from grandma? Socks from your weird uncle who always has strange knickknacks in his pocket? I didn’t get any of that this year. Before you start feel sorry for me, let me first say that I got exactly what I needed this year. I got my kids joy. Santa wrapped up their smiles and giggles and stuck them right under the tree for me. As a mother there is just no greater gift than to see my babies happy! At what age do you stop caring about the material aspect of Christmas? I am 28 years old and every year I get excited over my children’s excitement and the wait for all the delicious food my family makes! Don’t get me wrong, of course it’s always nice to get something you want or need. However isn’t it so much more enjoyable to give to others? Isn’t it such a joy to experience family? The pure love and support you feel when your loved ones are surrounding you, embracing you with out judgment. I got what I believe everyone should receive. Joy. Love. Acceptance. How beautiful is that! Thank you Santa for giving me not really what I wanted but what I needed.

Sleepless in my bedroom

2 am. I close my eyes and allow myself to hear and feel life around me. The constant white noise emanating from the box fan. The cold breeze rushing in from the night air that skims over my warm body. The strange little bumps that form from that wonderful cold breeze. My stomach talks to me like we are old friends. Explaining to me the hunger it’s experiencing. The pungent cigarette odor finding its way into my room from the smokers outside. My stomach churns from the smell and I’m no longer hungry. My children are asleep in the next room. I can hear the blankets rustling as they toss and turn, hopefully from dreams of rainbows and unicorns and not nightmares of demons and evil. There are two neighbor dogs who fight over who is more dominant. I find myself rooting for the under dog ( no pun intended). I open my eyes and I can see a small bug has found its way in through the window. He has found the warmth of the hall light and I can’t help but watch as he circles over and over again. I close my eyes again and pray that sleep takes me. I focus on my husbands breathing as he sleeps. It’s long and slow. It calms me. I lay my head on his chest for comfort and lose myself in chest hair! Finally I can hear our hearts struggling to beat as one. I focus on the rhythm. It’s beautiful. A love song just for me. I’m drifting. It’s time. Until tomorrow insomnia. My old friend.

Flirting = Cheating?!

I don’t fully believe this to be true. Do I believe that some can cross a line they shouldn’t? absolutely! I suppose this is one of those things where everyone is going to feel a certain way about it. I hear this on a daily basis how flirting while in a relationship is wrong. That its cheating. Well to me flirting is a way to make another human being feel good about themselves. Whats wrong with that? I am happily married and will admit proudly that I flirt. Why proudly you might ask? Well maybe its because I love seeing a smile on someone face. I love knowing i have made someone’s day! Everyone needs to hear good things about themselves. Everyone has a day where they feel ugly, or unwanted. Everyone has a bad day even the most positive of us. So I ENCOURAGE you to flirt a little. Give someone a compliment. Give someone a little wink and smile and I guarantee you will make their day a little better! Now having said that, I am in no way encouraging people to cheat on their significant other or to push limits and cross lines you should not. I do not agree with disrespecting your partner. Make sure you are always respectful to yourself, your partner and the people around you. I am not advocating something dirty or something immoral. I am simply saying go ahead and make someones day. Don’t be afraid to compliment someone. Give hugs. Give smiles. Little “flirty” gestures can go a long way to making someone else’s day. I am a firm believer in spreading love. I would group hug each and everyone one of you if i could! By the way you all look great today 😉 

Marriage = Death?

I can NOT even begin to tell you how many times I hear “but aren’t you married?” I always give the same response. I’m married, not DEAD! Some people still won’t understand what I mean because a lot of marriages feel like death to some. At least they feel a part of their past selves die. This is not the case for me. I am happily married. When I say happy I mean we are happy. I don’t say it to rub it in single woman’s faces or to “pretend” it’s something it isn’t. I will be the first one to tell you that my relationship with my husband was not always easy. In fact it was very difficult for many many years. We have been together for almost 15 years now but only married for 2 of those years. Why did we wait so long? As I stated before things weren’t always great. I wasn’t in a rush to marry Into a relationship that was rocky. I took some time away from the relationship after some unfortunate events and it was the greatest thing I ever did. You know the saying ” you don’t know what you have until it’s gone?” I believe that was the case for us. With a full heart of joy I can now say that we are in a great place. The key is to be in a stable relationship with someone you really know and trust BEFORE you walk down the isle. Marriage doesn’t mean you settle. It doesn’t mean you give up who you are or the things you like. It simply means you have someone else’s feelings to consider when you do the things you like. Consult your partner before doing things so he or she feels they had a part in making the decision. If you are with someone who truly loves you they would never want you to lose who you are as a person. The things you love. Your hobbies. Your friends. These things make us who we are and a true partner in life will help you grow and achieve things, not try to change you or hold you back. So when I go out for drinks or meet new friends or do videos for my social media sites and people ask me “but aren’t you married?” “Does your husband know you do that?” My response is always the same “I’m married not dead, and my husband allows me to be free as long as I’m respectful of our vows”. THAT Is marriage. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for doing things in life that make you happy! You may wear a ring and have a paper that ties you to someone else but it should never mean you lose who you are! Being married means having someone to share yourself with, not compromising what makes you who they fell in love with in the first place!

Is gay ok?

Who are we to say what is and isn’t ok?! We get to decide what is and isn’t ok in our own lives, and we are entitled to think what we want. We are allowed to feel what we feel but when it becomes hurtful to others it crosses a line. I have been hearing a lot of negative things lately about the LGBT community lately and it’s been weighing heavy on my heart. I myself am a proud bisexual woman who happens to have a gay brother who is also extremely proud. This fact however does not sway my opinions at all. I have always felt the same. Even before I knew my own brother was gay I felt that people had a choice to love who they love. I’m told that god doesn’t like gays. That being gay is wrong. That gay people are going to hell. I don’t believe any of this crap. First of all I refuse to believe that god is such a narcissist that he sits up in heaven and sends all to hell who don’t believe in him or doesn’t follow the bible word for word. Nor do I believe in a god who could “hate”. I know I know, religion is a “no no” subject and normally I make it a rule not to speak of it due to people’s sensitivity on the subject, but I’m done being quiet about this. Everyone sins. You can’t pick and choose what sin is worse than the next. Sin is sin! If you are engaging in sex before marriage but condemning gays to hell than I suggest you ask them to save you a seat. You don’t get to pick what is and isn’t right depending on the sins you yourself are making. Go ahead and make your silent judgements but let’s keep them silent. You aren’t going to change anyone by hurting them. I believe that if you’re a good person and make good choices, like helping others but ask for forgiveness when we make mistakes that we will have the honor of making it to heaven. I’m pretty sure no one is waiting at the pearly gates to say “what sex have you decided to love? Men or woman?!” Just be a good person. Be nice to others. I believe those are the people who end up somewhere great when this journey comes to an end. If there is one thing I believe in with every ounce of my being, it’s that there should be no hate for anyone who just wants to be themselves. Let’s embrace what’s different about people. Let’s love.

Sharing is caring!

I just wanted to share a quote that has always stuck with me and has helped get me through some things. Maybe in times of need you will remember it as well! “A lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep!”. Your entire life people are going to say certain things about you or judge you but this saying to me means just remember that your above the hate. You are the lion and you RULE your world. You are the boss and anyone who has time in their day to hate on you is just another sheep in the heard. They don’t matter. The most important thing you can be in life is yourself and nobody can take that from you if you don’t allow them to. Stay strong.

You CAN overcome!

Some adults can look back on their childhoods and remember laughter, and love and family vacations. I am not one of those adults. Unfortunately I believe that most people are more like me. I don’t have many “pleasant” memories from my childhood or even my teenage years. Don’t get me wrong this in no way means that I didn’t laugh at times or have any good memories at all but I must admit there are far more bad than good! If this is the case for you as well than I am reaching threw the screen right now to give you the biggest hug in the world. I know all about pain. Physical and emotional pain. I know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep at night. I know what it’s like to think so little of yourself and I know how it feels to wonder what the future holds. More pain? More fear? Or is it brighter? Better? I am here as proof to tell you IT DOES or IT CAN get better! I am proof that you can overcome, but it starts with YOU! I hated my life and myself for so long. I did things to escape life that were harmful to my well being. I dated abusive men. I ate poorly. I self harmed. At some point I just had enough. I had to learn to forgive and boy that was NOT easy. When you harbor anger for someone or something the only person that hurts is you! It’s not easy and I won’t lie and say that it is but if you work on yourself you can learn to forgive. It’s not for them, it’s for you! What is the point in waking up everyday and being miserable? What does that do for you? I’m guessing not great things. You can’t expect positive things to come into your life if you are a negative person. My road has been long and painful but SO worth it. You don’t know me from a whole in the wall but I promise it’s possible. Even what seems impossible is possible. I’m here for anyone who wants to talk or ask questions. There is never any judgement here. Stay strong. Love. Live. Laugh.